It is that time of year again where the lives of everyone in New Orleans is going to take a turn for the crazy… Mardi Gras. The holiday used by Catholics in order to purge themselves of all the horrible things they can’t do during Lent, like eat meat, do drugs, have pre-marital sex and expose themselves to complete strangers for recycled anal beads. The next two installments of this column are going to be dedicated to some sexual preparations needed to come out relatively unscathed by this debaucheries of the holiday. So here are Sex Edna’s 5 Do’s of Mardi Gras.
1.) Do keep the prophylactics handy: No matter what your relationship status, having these handy dandy barrier methods will be a life saver, or stopper, however you want to look at it. I will say this often: even if you aren’t going to use them, take some with you because chances are you can be a good Samaritan and give them away to those in need. I for one have never been scolded for handing out condoms to random strangers, save for that time at church. Just make sure you are storing them properly and by properly I mean, not in a wallet, glove compartment or cooler. Condoms can be crushed and the precious air bubble inside popped, resulting in air exposure, which can cause the condom to breakdown prematurely and possibly break during intercourse and we all know how that can ruin a weekend. Keeping them stored in areas where they will be exposed to large variations in temperature will also cause it to become less dependable. So keeping them stored in a coat pocket or bra where pressure and temperature change is minimal would be ideal.
This may also be a good time to try out the female condom because sex in a back alley in the French Quarter barely leaves enough time for kissing, let alone the 13 plus step process of putting on a condom. So why not throw in a female condom on your next trip to the bathroom, if you can get to a bathroom. Even if you can’t I’m sure inserting one behind a parked car wouldn’t be the weirdest thing someone has seen all Mardi Gras, I mean you were planning on having sex in public, why not go the whole nine yards?
2.) Do have a buddy system or tracking device ready or write your name and a returnable address somewhere on your body in the event you are found half naked in the back of a bike taxi. There are few things more tedious than the first thought of your morning being “Holy fuck, I gotta get out of…wherever here is…” So to save yourself the trouble and walk of shame, pair up with a friend, or if the thought of being baby sat all night makes you feel like a 12 year old that can’t hold their liquor setup a mobile tracking device on your cell phone. I know most people don’t agree with the whole mobile-tracking-big-brother-is-watching-you thing but I’d rather have Big Brother watching me than big brother from Tipitina’s parking lot whose bed I am now sharing watching me.
Getting from point A to point B, C, D to Z during Mardi Gras is important. Just make sure you have a plan get back to point A unscathed. Whether it’s a designated driver, cab or bus service, make sure you have that in place before you forget where you even started from because no one wants to be that guy on the corner of Bourbon begging for cab fare and no one believes you because you smell like booze and look like you slept in a ditch because you probably did.
3.) Do wear clean, presentable celebration appropriate underwear: Many people will inevitably end up flashing undergarments and then some during Mardi Gras and granted most people won’t care what you are wearing it might raise the eyebrow of a partner if they pull off your pants/dress/chicken costume and you’re rocking some mean skid marks or granny panties. And do not forgo undergarments either! Unless you plan on not sitting on anything the whole night, you totally need that buffer between you and that over used barstool or sidewalk you just happen to be puking off of. Underwear is also useful because it absorbs any urine that doesn’t get drip dried when you’ve peed on the floor of a port-o-potty because it was already full to the brim. Don’t believe me? Try out a port-o-potty downtown at noon on Mardi Gras day and let me know what you think.
4.) Do Australian Landscape: I lament at writing this rule because I totally support au natural, however, many of my colleagues (male and female alike) were adamant on trimming the land “down under”. As far as costumes go, if you’re gonna Lady Gaga it and go pantsless wearing nothing but your largest thong, trimming up may be essential to the costume. You also don’t want to be chased around by some pervo leering at you because they happened to see the overgrown hedges or assumes your Johnny is smaller than it actually is because you haven’t managed the grounds in awhile. I don’t mean to say mandatory Brazillian waxes and manscaping for all, but it is nice for a partner while engaging in some oral sex to not get a mouthful of your pubes. It’s been awhile for me, but I felt bad for my doctor because I hadn’t shaved two weeks before a pelvic exam, so I could only wonder what it would mean for someone who went down there with the most romantic of intentions. So even if you aren’t going to go Lex Luthor on yourself, trim it up a bit, make it match your costume, unless of course your costume is Chewbacca or a Yeti then feel free to grow it out.
5.) Do set aside $50 for the Morning After pill for you…or some friends or better yet, buy some in advance because more than likely it’s going to be sold out. While this is directed more at the lady readers, I would honestly not feel the least bit insulted if my Mardi Gras hookup made me breakfast in bed with a side of Plan B. I’d be more shocked at the breakfast part quite frankly. Again, Emergency Contraceptive is another one of those things (like condoms) that having handy is NEVER a bad thing, either for you, a friend or a total stranger. You can take it up to 5 days post unprotected coitus (yes, it’s still unprotected if the condom breaks. You get points for the good intentions, but deductions on the execution friend.) However, the crux being that if you have already become pregnant, that EC is useless, but you typically don’t know you are pregnant until several weeks after so just take the damn thing as a safety precaution and a delicious piece of mind. So if you have an extra $50 go out and buy a pack now because it’s way cheaper than buying bulk diapers and baby formula.
Sex Edna is 28 years old. She started dating at age 15 and subsequently lost her virginity at the end of that year. From then on she started having and talking about sex. At the age of 25 she began teaching sexual education to incarcerated youths as well as other inquiring adolescents. Currently she is attending graduate school for Public Health Education, so don’t be afraid to ask because she’s either done it or heard of it.